Sunday, November 17, 2013

Gimme some lovin...BLOGLOVIN!

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If you're into that sort of thing.

Or if you're not. You know. I'm not picky.


Enjoying the View? (I go to the doctor, and you should, too!)

Ladies and gents, doctor's visits are incredibly important. You should regularly check up on your body, and do your best to stay healthy.

Women get the honor of being intimately poked and prodded in a professional setting each year. It's not the most dignified experience, but with a good humored Gyno or nurse practitioner you can come through relatively unscathed and with your honor somewhat intact - prepared for the coming year, knowing you did your best to look out for your funtime bits. Good job, you.

I tend to put this appointment off (BAD, always go to your checkups, guys) because I've had somewhat bad experiences in the past. There's really a lot that could go wrong. Imagine: Your doctor turns out to actually be the janitor. Your doctor doesn't understand the concept of lubrication. Your doctor turns out to be an ex's cousin, and remembers your awkward teenage years fondly during your breast exam. Your doctor is actually a tentacled hell-beast that doesn't accept your insurance.

I exaggerate. Slightly. It was just a higher than normal co-pay, but I didn't appreciate not being told up front about the discrepancy.

This year, I was finally forced to the doctor to renew the prescription for the lovely pills that keep my wacky hormones at bay (and everyone else in my life alive and in one piece). I had to have my yearly once-over to earn said script. The room I was led into for my exam was somewhat more interesting than the average MD office.

Gosh! What a beautiful view of the river! A stunning panoramic of the entire town and an insanely busy tourist-laden highway...

 ...And it's pointed right at my vagina.

Look! There's even a little spotlight, just in case they can't see me clearly enough! But I've yet to teach my clitoris how to do jazz hands, what do I do? A monologue?

"HELLO, FELLOW HUMANS! Behold, my lady flower in all of its feminine mystery! How YOU doin'?!?! What's the DEAL with MESH briefs, amirite?"

For the slower thinkers among you, here's a diagram:

Vaginaville's where you go AFTER closing time at Margaritaville, FYI.

A little intimidating. A little exhibitionist. But I guess it's better than the alternative: the parking lot! I mean, who wants to stare at cement while they're being ratcheted open? "HI, REVEREND JOE! HOW'S THE HEART? IS THAT A NEW CAR?"

But the goal here, I do have one - just takes me a while to ramp up to it - is to get people to go and get themselves checked out, because it's one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Whether it's a breast exam or a turn-and-cough, you HAVE to know what's going on with the meat puppet you call a body. And this particular image might be a little stark, a little too crass to accomplish bringing in those weak of heart (languishing of labia? Would that be a good band name? Somebody play bass, I'll sing.)

Maybe the office would seem friendlier and more comforting for my more shy readers if I instagrammed it!

Healthy is beautiful, get groped by a stranger today!
THERE WE GO! Go and get yourself checked out, ladies and gents. It's for your own good. Your local health professionals will do their best to make sure you are comfortable - ask around, don't be shy, find someone well-respected and beloved by their patients. Sometimes you'll even find an office with a 5-star hotel worthy view!


My creative process, web design edition:

Drink far too much coffee than is humanly good for me, and vibrate around the house muttering song lyrics to myself and twitching to the beat.

Look at Pinterest, because other people are DOING THINGS. Also because you really need a better dog kennel solution. And that scruffy dude looks amazing in GQ, you should repin that. And cake pops. And glitter. And organization, which is actually not bad. You should organize your whole desk.

No, forget it, it's been weeks - why start now.

Drink more coffee.

Check up on a few blogs, because blogging is work. Giggle at bad sex stories.

Check Facebook for the ninth time. Make an inappropriate joke about fairy tale characters, because Once Upon a Time makes no sense. Delete it from your wall.

Make tea, to try to calm down.

Add honey, because screw calming down.

Squint at the screen, realizing you never put your glasses on.

Refuse to put them on.

Think about opening Photoshop.

Google watercolor tattoos instead. That's art.

Twitch some more.

...I'll get there, eventually.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Makeup Review - L'Oreal Colour Riche Le Matte Lipcolor

I'm a lipgloss / balm kind of girl. Anything more opaque than that makes me feel like a kid wearing Mommy's makeup. But I've been trying to bust out of my makeup rut, to try new products and amp up my look a little bit. So when I saw this on clearance at Target, I had to snatch it up.

Matte lip formulas are a great way to add some drama to your look for Fall - they look chic and strong without being too shiny or over the top. IN THEORY. The color I picked up is number 408 - She's So Matte - and the package color is the most PERFECT salmony-watermelon mix.

...which would be a pretty color, but a horrible paté.

The product is housed in a thin barrel, and you can twist the top to expose more lipcolor. There's decent color payoff, for sure, and it's a pretty smooth feeling formula. Given how strong the color is, there's plenty of product - though, let's be fair, the barrel length is a bit deceiving.

As with any matte formula, you want to be sure that your lips are smooth and moisturized before applying. A sugar scrub or a light exfoliation with a really soft toothbrush is a good way to keep your lips soft, and a nice lip balm will make sure they feel moisturized. 

If you skip these steps, you might end up with zombie Kool-aid mouth. And unless you're a zombie in a Kool-Aid commercial, I don't recommend that look. 

Work it, girl. Decomp diva, right here.

On a moisturized lip, the color applies very smoothly and feels lovely. It has a nice satiny feel. If you neglect balm before applying, the color feels like it is drying your lips out very quickly (logical for a matte product to not be as slick and pleasantly moisturizing as a gloss to some extent, but many matte finish lipsticks feel moisturizing for some time on the lips). Also, the color of the product is not quite that of the packaging - at least in this instance. It's more of a very shockingly vibrant berry than the melon color I expected. I had a little trouble capturing the difference in a proof photo...

As you can see. "BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW, MOMMY?" < / Maria Bamford stand-up routine >

Above, it's bled at the edges - the lip balm I used was probably a little too decadent, and the color slipped around. An EOS balm would do the trick nicely, I'd think - my current go to is Vanilla Carmex (love love love), and it's a bit less waxy. The PRODUCT seems to dry/fade somewhat easily, but the COLOR lasts really well - almost like a stain. I couldn't get it off before work!

I feel like this would be a great product for a fun night out - maybe where you weren't going to be doing a lot of eating or kissing. I think it's too drying of a matte to comfortably wear for a busy day look, unless you're in to frequent touch ups to keep your lips from feeling too dry. But that could just be me still getting used to mattes! If it weren't for the color, I wouldn't regret the purchase a bit - but I don't know that I love it enough to buy another.

If you tried this product, or their lacquer line, let me know what you thought! If you want to see more zombies, let me know that, too!






The product above was bought with my sad little wallet, and the opinions are my honest (albeit rambling and confusing) thoughts on the product and are in no way endorsed by the brand.


Guys. What should I name my sexy undead "makeup don't!" zombie lady? Kimm Corpsedashian. The Corpse "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a-" Bride. Give me your zingers, I think she needs to stick around. She's wearing the featured lipcolor. What a sport!


The above-quoted Maria Bamford stand-up bit. Get that voice in your head, and repeat it at your mirror every time you finish getting ready. Bonus points for faces. Bonus bonus points if you can cross your eyes, I can't. Seriously, it's a problem. Language warning...which really, you should be prepared for any time you come here. I used to be a sailor.

...hello, sailor. < / Graham Chapman >

I've completely lost the point of this post. Zombies, Stand-up and Monty Python...all necessary components in the beauty biz, really. Later days!