Sunday, November 17, 2013

Enjoying the View? (I go to the doctor, and you should, too!)

Ladies and gents, doctor's visits are incredibly important. You should regularly check up on your body, and do your best to stay healthy.

Women get the honor of being intimately poked and prodded in a professional setting each year. It's not the most dignified experience, but with a good humored Gyno or nurse practitioner you can come through relatively unscathed and with your honor somewhat intact - prepared for the coming year, knowing you did your best to look out for your funtime bits. Good job, you.

I tend to put this appointment off (BAD, always go to your checkups, guys) because I've had somewhat bad experiences in the past. There's really a lot that could go wrong. Imagine: Your doctor turns out to actually be the janitor. Your doctor doesn't understand the concept of lubrication. Your doctor turns out to be an ex's cousin, and remembers your awkward teenage years fondly during your breast exam. Your doctor is actually a tentacled hell-beast that doesn't accept your insurance.

I exaggerate. Slightly. It was just a higher than normal co-pay, but I didn't appreciate not being told up front about the discrepancy.

This year, I was finally forced to the doctor to renew the prescription for the lovely pills that keep my wacky hormones at bay (and everyone else in my life alive and in one piece). I had to have my yearly once-over to earn said script. The room I was led into for my exam was somewhat more interesting than the average MD office.

Gosh! What a beautiful view of the river! A stunning panoramic of the entire town and an insanely busy tourist-laden highway...

 ...And it's pointed right at my vagina.

Look! There's even a little spotlight, just in case they can't see me clearly enough! But I've yet to teach my clitoris how to do jazz hands, what do I do? A monologue?

"HELLO, FELLOW HUMANS! Behold, my lady flower in all of its feminine mystery! How YOU doin'?!?! What's the DEAL with MESH briefs, amirite?"

For the slower thinkers among you, here's a diagram:

Vaginaville's where you go AFTER closing time at Margaritaville, FYI.

A little intimidating. A little exhibitionist. But I guess it's better than the alternative: the parking lot! I mean, who wants to stare at cement while they're being ratcheted open? "HI, REVEREND JOE! HOW'S THE HEART? IS THAT A NEW CAR?"

But the goal here, I do have one - just takes me a while to ramp up to it - is to get people to go and get themselves checked out, because it's one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Whether it's a breast exam or a turn-and-cough, you HAVE to know what's going on with the meat puppet you call a body. And this particular image might be a little stark, a little too crass to accomplish bringing in those weak of heart (languishing of labia? Would that be a good band name? Somebody play bass, I'll sing.)

Maybe the office would seem friendlier and more comforting for my more shy readers if I instagrammed it!

Healthy is beautiful, get groped by a stranger today!
THERE WE GO! Go and get yourself checked out, ladies and gents. It's for your own good. Your local health professionals will do their best to make sure you are comfortable - ask around, don't be shy, find someone well-respected and beloved by their patients. Sometimes you'll even find an office with a 5-star hotel worthy view!

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