Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sad Sack Cooking Show #1: Red pepper & kale omelette

OM-E-LETTE YOU FINISH - but I already used this pun on Facebook. I'm a great writer!

Welcome to the Sad Sack cooking show. Are you disappointed at where you are in life? Me, too. So let's make breakfast together, while examining our poor life choices. Fun!

Unrelated question: Is 9:30 too early to drink? I'm sure MyHarto would say "No! No, it's not!" Go watch "My Drunk Kitchen". Later. For now, let's just cook! Or whatever. You're out of wine anyway.

On today's menu:
 le Omelette with red bell peppers and kale, with a side of delicious self-loathing!


Step 1:

Go to bed in a depressed mood, and wake up that way. If you're going to be a downer, stick with it! That's called dedication! Say it with me, kids! Ded-i-what does it matter anymore, anyway, I'm a failure.


So go cook something with cheese in it? That's a good idea!

Step 2:

Decide to make a healthy breakfast, in case vitamins can magically make your poor choices and lack of resolve into a magic band-aid for everything you're doing wrong in your life! (Spoilers they won't tell you at Whole Foods or on Rachel Ray: they can't! WOO!)

Step 3: Assemble the Avengers Ingredients, and make your own omelette station! Hi, creepy sponge! At least someone's smiling! You heartless bastard.

Today we have: Margarine, eggs, milk, cheese, red & orange bell pepper, kale, turkey bacon, salt, pepper and onion powder. Seasoning things like a damn adult, up in here! Positivity!

Step 4: Melt your fake butter in a skillet over medium heat, and crack some eggs in a bowl! Break them! BREAK THEM, LIKE LIFE HAS BROKEN YOU.

Step 5: Reaffirm your desire to make the omelette, and then keep making said omelette anyway. Add a tiny splash of milk, and try not to mess it up while taking a picture of it like the blogging idiot you are. Retype omelette like eight times, because Blogger doesn't recognize the word. Google it, due to your crippling self-doubt. Yes, you won the school spelling bee in seventh grade - but it's all been down hill since then, hasn't it?

Step 6: Rally, and try to be positive. Look at that! Milk in eggs! Good job, you! Now, beat them. BEAT THEM. But be happy about it. Try singing the eggs song!

Your cooking skills and your beauty are only out-matched by your ability to write a moving lyrical masterpiece.

Step 7: Stop lying to yourself, and add your seasonings because you forgot them before beating. Great job. Pour the eggs into the melted butter in your pan.

Step 8: Congratulate yourself on your progress thus far. Good pour, self! Nicely done!

Step 9: Wash your veggies. Admire their glistening flesh. Think about how long it's been since you felt actual human contact. Realize one pepper is moldy, despite being in a new package, and consider that a metaphor for your love life. Cry as you throw the pepper away.

Goodbye, pepper. It's not you, it's me. Maybe in another life, we coulda made it. Here's lookin at you, kid.

Step 10: Give your remaining bell pepper and a washed handful of kale a rough chop. Hear your Mother's voice in your head, "You're gonna chop those fingers right off!" Almost chop your finger off. Survive.

Step 11:  Add the veggies to your cooking egg mixture, once it looks as though it's 3/4ths of the way firm. Pause to think about the cutting board, stained red and green. Think about Christmas. Stop thinking about Christmas, because the holidays can be hard for everyone. Think about the Joker. Miss Heath Ledger. Press on through the tears.

Step 12: Add cheese, because you deserve it. Well, you don't, but add it anyway because cheese is delicious in eggs. Even though I don't think you can consider American singles to actually be cheese.

Yum, plastic-y! Let it melt.

Step 13: Realize you used the wrong pan, and it's sticking. Realize that this is way too big an omelette for your poor flipping skills, and that you're making a mess of it.

Step 14: BE NICE TO YOURSELF, because ok. This isn't freaking Denny's. You've not getting paid to do this. And even Denny's says "Make Your Own Pancakes" on the sign. Really, Denny's? I have to come to you...to make my own pancakes? Great customer service! Maybe DENNY'S needs an attitude adjustment, ever think of that? You're going to cut this into pieces anyway - what's it matter if it's not perfect?

I bet it tastes great, anyway.

Step 15: Plate it, add ketchup and hot sauce - because you always do, no matter how tasty the dish is - you silly thing, you - and enjoy. Because you did well, and you deserve it, and you're going to have a great day.

Even if it kills you.

Bonus content: Bacon song fail! The poor turkey bacon was forgotten until after the meal. It had seemed important at the time. But it just wasn't meant to be. It's not you, turkey bacon...it's...well. Maybe it is you, after all.

Disclaimer: Some of the negativity may have been exaggerated. The food was still pretty delicious. Also, I take no issue with Denny's...I haven't been there in ages, but I'm sure they're all very nice people. I'd love to come over and make my own pancakes at your fine establishment, any time. Maybe we could hold show #2 there! Guys? Why are you running? 

What dish should the Sad Sack cooking show tackle next? Comment, and let me know!

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