I've been absent for a while. Let me 'splain.
No, is too much. Let me sum up.
I
have moved across the country, again - I just love packing. LIE. My
partner, the long suffering Mr. Doctor, received a wonderful fellowship
to be smart and do reading and writing things. So I threw everything I
owned in my car, made the trek up here to the boonies of Ohio, and am
currently job hunting.
Which is its own joy, let me
tell you - if you're offering pay in the single digits, your listing
probably should have under ten qualifications. And if you feel you MUST
post all 8 paragraphs of demands, you should add a rider at the end
stating "Yes, we know we're tools - but the economy is bad, so suffer my
laundry list of demands and LIKE IT you jobless BASTARD I wasn't hugged
enough as a child, I just want a friend, MUST HAVE 8 YEARS OF
EXPERIENCE AND BE ABLE TO PERFORM OPEN HEART SURGERRRYYYYYY yes, I know I
said entry level and I meant it".
I'm also working on ART. Actual media
projects. Despite my hesitance to leave my lovely, lovely, warm, oh so
WARM, did I mention lovely? Florida, I'm finding some good art juju in
this college town.
I AM NOT, HOWEVER, finding Wifi.
Mr.
Doctor, though brilliant in some things, has the technological IQ of a
goldfish on a sandwich. With mayo. He went into a deal with the woman in
the other side of the duplex to share an AT&T HOTSPOT. My inner tech rat is
screaming in agony. But the landscape is pretty.
...I'll get back to actual content eventually. May you be warm and cozy, wherever you are.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Gimme some lovin...BLOGLOVIN!
Follow my blog with Bloglovin!
If you're into that sort of thing.
Or if you're not. You know. I'm not picky.
<3!
If you're into that sort of thing.
Or if you're not. You know. I'm not picky.
<3!
Enjoying the View? (I go to the doctor, and you should, too!)
Ladies and gents, doctor's visits are incredibly important. You should regularly check up on your body, and do your best to stay healthy.
Women get the honor of being intimately poked and prodded in a professional setting each year. It's not the most dignified experience, but with a good humored Gyno or nurse practitioner you can come through relatively unscathed and with your honor somewhat intact - prepared for the coming year, knowing you did your best to look out for your funtime bits. Good job, you.
I tend to put this appointment off (BAD, always go to your checkups, guys) because I've had somewhat bad experiences in the past. There's really a lot that could go wrong. Imagine: Your doctor turns out to actually be the janitor. Your doctor doesn't understand the concept of lubrication. Your doctor turns out to be an ex's cousin, and remembers your awkward teenage years fondly during your breast exam. Your doctor is actually a tentacled hell-beast that doesn't accept your insurance.
I exaggerate. Slightly. It was just a higher than normal co-pay, but I didn't appreciate not being told up front about the discrepancy.
This year, I was finally forced to the doctor to renew the prescription for the lovely pills that keep my wacky hormones at bay (and everyone else in my life alive and in one piece). I had to have my yearly once-over to earn said script. The room I was led into for my exam was somewhat more interesting than the average MD office.
Gosh! What a beautiful view of the river! A stunning panoramic of the entire town and an insanely busy tourist-laden highway...
...And it's pointed right at my vagina.
Look! There's even a little spotlight, just in case they can't see me clearly enough! But I've yet to teach my clitoris how to do jazz hands, what do I do? A monologue?
"HELLO, FELLOW HUMANS! Behold, my lady flower in all of its feminine mystery! How YOU doin'?!?! What's the DEAL with MESH briefs, amirite?"
For the slower thinkers among you, here's a diagram:
A little intimidating. A little exhibitionist. But I guess it's better than the alternative: the parking lot! I mean, who wants to stare at cement while they're being ratcheted open? "HI, REVEREND JOE! HOW'S THE HEART? IS THAT A NEW CAR?"
But the goal here, I do have one - just takes me a while to ramp up to it - is to get people to go and get themselves checked out, because it's one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Whether it's a breast exam or a turn-and-cough, you HAVE to know what's going on with the meat puppet you call a body. And this particular image might be a little stark, a little too crass to accomplish bringing in those weak of heart (languishing of labia? Would that be a good band name? Somebody play bass, I'll sing.)
Maybe the office would seem friendlier and more comforting for my more shy readers if I instagrammed it!
THERE WE GO! Go and get yourself checked out, ladies and gents. It's for your own good. Your local health professionals will do their best to make sure you are comfortable - ask around, don't be shy, find someone well-respected and beloved by their patients. Sometimes you'll even find an office with a 5-star hotel worthy view!
Women get the honor of being intimately poked and prodded in a professional setting each year. It's not the most dignified experience, but with a good humored Gyno or nurse practitioner you can come through relatively unscathed and with your honor somewhat intact - prepared for the coming year, knowing you did your best to look out for your funtime bits. Good job, you.
I tend to put this appointment off (BAD, always go to your checkups, guys) because I've had somewhat bad experiences in the past. There's really a lot that could go wrong. Imagine: Your doctor turns out to actually be the janitor. Your doctor doesn't understand the concept of lubrication. Your doctor turns out to be an ex's cousin, and remembers your awkward teenage years fondly during your breast exam. Your doctor is actually a tentacled hell-beast that doesn't accept your insurance.
I exaggerate. Slightly. It was just a higher than normal co-pay, but I didn't appreciate not being told up front about the discrepancy.
This year, I was finally forced to the doctor to renew the prescription for the lovely pills that keep my wacky hormones at bay (and everyone else in my life alive and in one piece). I had to have my yearly once-over to earn said script. The room I was led into for my exam was somewhat more interesting than the average MD office.
Gosh! What a beautiful view of the river! A stunning panoramic of the entire town and an insanely busy tourist-laden highway...
...And it's pointed right at my vagina.
Look! There's even a little spotlight, just in case they can't see me clearly enough! But I've yet to teach my clitoris how to do jazz hands, what do I do? A monologue?
"HELLO, FELLOW HUMANS! Behold, my lady flower in all of its feminine mystery! How YOU doin'?!?! What's the DEAL with MESH briefs, amirite?"
For the slower thinkers among you, here's a diagram:
 | |||||||
| Vaginaville's where you go AFTER closing time at Margaritaville, FYI. |
But the goal here, I do have one - just takes me a while to ramp up to it - is to get people to go and get themselves checked out, because it's one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Whether it's a breast exam or a turn-and-cough, you HAVE to know what's going on with the meat puppet you call a body. And this particular image might be a little stark, a little too crass to accomplish bringing in those weak of heart (languishing of labia? Would that be a good band name? Somebody play bass, I'll sing.)
Maybe the office would seem friendlier and more comforting for my more shy readers if I instagrammed it!
 |
| Healthy is beautiful, get groped by a stranger today! |
Procrastiwhat?
My creative process, web design edition:
Drink far too much coffee than is humanly good for me, and vibrate around the house muttering song lyrics to myself and twitching to the beat.
Look at Pinterest, because other people are DOING THINGS. Also because you really need a better dog kennel solution. And that scruffy dude looks amazing in GQ, you should repin that. And cake pops. And glitter. And organization, which is actually not bad. You should organize your whole desk.
No, forget it, it's been weeks - why start now.
Drink more coffee.
Check up on a few blogs, because blogging is work. Giggle at bad sex stories.
Check Facebook for the ninth time. Make an inappropriate joke about fairy tale characters, because Once Upon a Time makes no sense. Delete it from your wall.
Make tea, to try to calm down.
Add honey, because screw calming down.
Squint at the screen, realizing you never put your glasses on.
Refuse to put them on.
Think about opening Photoshop.
Google watercolor tattoos instead. That's art.
Twitch some more.
...I'll get there, eventually.
Drink far too much coffee than is humanly good for me, and vibrate around the house muttering song lyrics to myself and twitching to the beat.
Look at Pinterest, because other people are DOING THINGS. Also because you really need a better dog kennel solution. And that scruffy dude looks amazing in GQ, you should repin that. And cake pops. And glitter. And organization, which is actually not bad. You should organize your whole desk.
No, forget it, it's been weeks - why start now.
Drink more coffee.
Check up on a few blogs, because blogging is work. Giggle at bad sex stories.
Check Facebook for the ninth time. Make an inappropriate joke about fairy tale characters, because Once Upon a Time makes no sense. Delete it from your wall.
Make tea, to try to calm down.
Add honey, because screw calming down.
Squint at the screen, realizing you never put your glasses on.
Refuse to put them on.
Think about opening Photoshop.
Google watercolor tattoos instead. That's art.
Twitch some more.
...I'll get there, eventually.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Makeup Review - L'Oreal Colour Riche Le Matte Lipcolor
I'm a lipgloss / balm kind of girl. Anything more opaque than that makes me feel like a kid wearing Mommy's makeup. But I've been trying to bust out of my makeup rut, to try new products and amp up my look a little bit. So when I saw this on clearance at Target, I had to snatch it up.
Matte lip formulas are a great way to add some drama to your look for Fall - they look chic and strong without being too shiny or over the top. IN THEORY. The color I picked up is number 408 - She's So Matte - and the package color is the most PERFECT salmony-watermelon mix.
The product is housed in a thin barrel, and you can twist the top to expose more lipcolor. There's decent color payoff, for sure, and it's a pretty smooth feeling formula. Given how strong the color is, there's plenty of product - though, let's be fair, the barrel length is a bit deceiving.
On a moisturized lip, the color applies very smoothly and feels lovely. It has a nice satiny feel. If you neglect balm before applying, the color feels like it is drying your lips out very quickly (logical for a matte product to not be as slick and pleasantly moisturizing as a gloss to some extent, but many matte finish lipsticks feel moisturizing for some time on the lips). Also, the color of the product is not quite that of the packaging - at least in this instance. It's more of a very shockingly vibrant berry than the melon color I expected. I had a little trouble capturing the difference in a proof photo...
Above, it's bled at the edges - the lip balm I used was probably a little too decadent, and the color slipped around. An EOS balm would do the trick nicely, I'd think - my current go to is Vanilla Carmex (love love love), and it's a bit less waxy. The PRODUCT seems to dry/fade somewhat easily, but the COLOR lasts really well - almost like a stain. I couldn't get it off before work!
I feel like this would be a great product for a fun night out - maybe where you weren't going to be doing a lot of eating or kissing. I think it's too drying of a matte to comfortably wear for a busy day look, unless you're in to frequent touch ups to keep your lips from feeling too dry. But that could just be me still getting used to mattes! If it weren't for the color, I wouldn't regret the purchase a bit - but I don't know that I love it enough to buy another.
If you tried this product, or their lacquer line, let me know what you thought! If you want to see more zombies, let me know that, too!
BRAAAAIIIIINS.
BENEEEEFITTTT.
BAREEEEE MINERALLSSS.
MOISTURIZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
...BRAIIIIINS.
The product above was bought with my sad little wallet, and the opinions are my honest (albeit rambling and confusing) thoughts on the product and are in no way endorsed by the brand.
P.S.
Guys. What should I name my sexy undead "makeup don't!" zombie lady? Kimm Corpsedashian. The Corpse "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a-" Bride. Give me your zingers, I think she needs to stick around. She's wearing the featured lipcolor. What a sport!
P.P.S.
The above-quoted Maria Bamford stand-up bit. Get that voice in your head, and repeat it at your mirror every time you finish getting ready. Bonus points for faces. Bonus bonus points if you can cross your eyes, I can't. Seriously, it's a problem. Language warning...which really, you should be prepared for any time you come here. I used to be a sailor.
...hello, sailor. < / Graham Chapman >
I've completely lost the point of this post. Zombies, Stand-up and Monty Python...all necessary components in the beauty biz, really. Later days!
Matte lip formulas are a great way to add some drama to your look for Fall - they look chic and strong without being too shiny or over the top. IN THEORY. The color I picked up is number 408 - She's So Matte - and the package color is the most PERFECT salmony-watermelon mix.
...which would be a pretty color, but a horrible paté.
As with any matte formula, you want to be sure that your lips are smooth and moisturized before applying. A sugar scrub or a light exfoliation with a really soft toothbrush is a good way to keep your lips soft, and a nice lip balm will make sure they feel moisturized.
If you skip these steps, you might end up with zombie Kool-aid mouth. And unless you're a zombie in a Kool-Aid commercial, I don't recommend that look.
Work it, girl. Decomp diva, right here.
On a moisturized lip, the color applies very smoothly and feels lovely. It has a nice satiny feel. If you neglect balm before applying, the color feels like it is drying your lips out very quickly (logical for a matte product to not be as slick and pleasantly moisturizing as a gloss to some extent, but many matte finish lipsticks feel moisturizing for some time on the lips). Also, the color of the product is not quite that of the packaging - at least in this instance. It's more of a very shockingly vibrant berry than the melon color I expected. I had a little trouble capturing the difference in a proof photo...
As you can see. "BABY LOOK PRETTY NOW, MOMMY?" < / Maria Bamford stand-up routine >
Above, it's bled at the edges - the lip balm I used was probably a little too decadent, and the color slipped around. An EOS balm would do the trick nicely, I'd think - my current go to is Vanilla Carmex (love love love), and it's a bit less waxy. The PRODUCT seems to dry/fade somewhat easily, but the COLOR lasts really well - almost like a stain. I couldn't get it off before work!
I feel like this would be a great product for a fun night out - maybe where you weren't going to be doing a lot of eating or kissing. I think it's too drying of a matte to comfortably wear for a busy day look, unless you're in to frequent touch ups to keep your lips from feeling too dry. But that could just be me still getting used to mattes! If it weren't for the color, I wouldn't regret the purchase a bit - but I don't know that I love it enough to buy another.
If you tried this product, or their lacquer line, let me know what you thought! If you want to see more zombies, let me know that, too!
BRAAAAIIIIINS.
BENEEEEFITTTT.
BAREEEEE MINERALLSSS.
MOISTURIZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
...BRAIIIIINS.
The product above was bought with my sad little wallet, and the opinions are my honest (albeit rambling and confusing) thoughts on the product and are in no way endorsed by the brand.
P.S.
Guys. What should I name my sexy undead "makeup don't!" zombie lady? Kimm Corpsedashian. The Corpse "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a-" Bride. Give me your zingers, I think she needs to stick around. She's wearing the featured lipcolor. What a sport!
P.P.S.
The above-quoted Maria Bamford stand-up bit. Get that voice in your head, and repeat it at your mirror every time you finish getting ready. Bonus points for faces. Bonus bonus points if you can cross your eyes, I can't. Seriously, it's a problem. Language warning...which really, you should be prepared for any time you come here. I used to be a sailor.
...hello, sailor. < / Graham Chapman >
I've completely lost the point of this post. Zombies, Stand-up and Monty Python...all necessary components in the beauty biz, really. Later days!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sexy Face Mask Sunday - Que Bella Relaxing Aromatherapy Mask
Say it with me now:
SEXY FACE MASK SUNDAY! WOOHOO!
Also? It's FANTASTIC. Look at how relaxed I was! I'm a fantastic actress, folks, but that was REAL.
Sometimes natural lavender products can be too strong. This has a soothing, light scent. It's a pale colored mask with a clay consistency. At the same time, it's very smooth - it doesn't feel gritty or drying as some mud masks do. I genuinely felt myself relaxing and enjoying the mask. It stung a tiny bit around the nose as it dried, but otherwise it was comfortable.
My skin felt very moisturized and happy after using this mask....I will definitely get it again! It's my favorite of the line thus far.
Now for the bad news: I don't see it listed on their website, OR on Amazon.com. Hopefully they keep carrying this one! I bought mine last week at Target. Like all their masks, it sells for between $2-3 dollars. This is the perfect thing to accompany a nice long soak in the tub on a relaxing day off.
Orrrrrr those five minutes of stolen peace on a hectic morning...like mine today :D!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Sad Sack Cooking Show #1: Red pepper & kale omelette
OM-E-LETTE YOU FINISH - but I already used this pun on Facebook. I'm a great writer!
Welcome to the Sad Sack cooking show. Are you disappointed at where you are in life? Me, too. So let's make breakfast together, while examining our poor life choices. Fun!
Unrelated question: Is 9:30 too early to drink? I'm sure MyHarto would say "No! No, it's not!" Go watch "My Drunk Kitchen". Later. For now, let's just cook! Or whatever. You're out of wine anyway.
...JUST LIKE EVERY MEAL! YUM!
Step 1:
Go to bed in a depressed mood, and wake up that way. If you're going to be a downer, stick with it! That's called dedication! Say it with me, kids! Ded-i-what does it matter anymore, anyway, I'm a failure.
*pause*
So go cook something with cheese in it? That's a good idea!
Step 2:
Decide to make a healthy breakfast, in case vitamins can magically make your poor choices and lack of resolve into a magic band-aid for everything you're doing wrong in your life! (Spoilers they won't tell you at Whole Foods or on Rachel Ray: they can't! WOO!)
Step 3: Assemble theAvengers Ingredients, and make your own omelette station! Hi, creepy sponge! At least someone's smiling! You heartless bastard.
Today we have: Margarine, eggs, milk, cheese, red & orange bell pepper, kale, turkey bacon, salt, pepper and onion powder. Seasoning things like a damn adult, up in here! Positivity!
Step 4: Melt your fake butter in a skillet over medium heat, and crack some eggs in a bowl! Break them! BREAK THEM, LIKE LIFE HAS BROKEN YOU.
Step 5: Reaffirm your desire to make the omelette, and then keep making said omelette anyway. Add a tiny splash of milk, and try not to mess it up while taking a picture of it like the blogging idiot you are. Retype omelette like eight times, because Blogger doesn't recognize the word. Google it, due to your crippling self-doubt. Yes, you won the school spelling bee in seventh grade - but it's all been down hill since then, hasn't it?
Step 6: Rally, and try to be positive. Look at that! Milk in eggs! Good job, you! Now, beat them. BEAT THEM. But be happy about it. Try singing the eggs song!
Your cooking skills and your beauty are only out-matched by your ability to write a moving lyrical masterpiece.
Step 7: Stop lying to yourself, and add your seasonings because you forgot them before beating. Great job. Pour the eggs into the melted butter in your pan.
Step 8: Congratulate yourself on your progress thus far. Good pour, self! Nicely done!
Step 9: Wash your veggies. Admire their glistening flesh. Think about how long it's been since you felt actual human contact. Realize one pepper is moldy, despite being in a new package, and consider that a metaphor for your love life. Cry as you throw the pepper away.
Goodbye, pepper. It's not you, it's me. Maybe in another life, we coulda made it. Here's lookin at you, kid.
Step 10: Give your remaining bell pepper and a washed handful of kale a rough chop. Hear your Mother's voice in your head, "You're gonna chop those fingers right off!" Almost chop your finger off. Survive.
Step 11: Add the veggies to your cooking egg mixture, once it looks as though it's 3/4ths of the way firm. Pause to think about the cutting board, stained red and green. Think about Christmas. Stop thinking about Christmas, because the holidays can be hard for everyone. Think about the Joker. Miss Heath Ledger. Press on through the tears.
Step 12: Add cheese, because you deserve it. Well, you don't, but add it anyway because cheese is delicious in eggs. Even though I don't think you can consider American singles to actually be cheese.
Yum, plastic-y! Let it melt.
Step 13: Realize you used the wrong pan, and it's sticking. Realize that this is way too big an omelette for your poor flipping skills, and that you're making a mess of it.
Step 14: BE NICE TO YOURSELF, because ok. This isn't freaking Denny's. You've not getting paid to do this. And even Denny's says "Make Your Own Pancakes" on the sign. Really, Denny's? I have to come to you...to make my own pancakes? Great customer service! Maybe DENNY'S needs an attitude adjustment, ever think of that? You're going to cut this into pieces anyway - what's it matter if it's not perfect?
Step 15: Plate it, add ketchup and hot sauce - because you always do, no matter how tasty the dish is - you silly thing, you - and enjoy. Because you did well, and you deserve it, and you're going to have a great day.
Even if it kills you.
Bonus content: Bacon song fail! The poor turkey bacon was forgotten until after the meal. It had seemed important at the time. But it just wasn't meant to be. It's not you, turkey bacon...it's...well. Maybe it is you, after all.
Disclaimer: Some of the negativity may have been exaggerated. The food was still pretty delicious. Also, I take no issue with Denny's...I haven't been there in ages, but I'm sure they're all very nice people. I'd love to come over and make my own pancakes at your fine establishment, any time. Maybe we could hold show #2 there! Guys? Why are you running?
What dish should the Sad Sack cooking show tackle next? Comment, and let me know!
Welcome to the Sad Sack cooking show. Are you disappointed at where you are in life? Me, too. So let's make breakfast together, while examining our poor life choices. Fun!
Unrelated question: Is 9:30 too early to drink? I'm sure MyHarto would say "No! No, it's not!" Go watch "My Drunk Kitchen". Later. For now, let's just cook! Or whatever. You're out of wine anyway.
On today's menu:
le Omelette with red bell peppers and kale, with a side of delicious self-loathing!
...JUST LIKE EVERY MEAL! YUM!
Step 1:
Go to bed in a depressed mood, and wake up that way. If you're going to be a downer, stick with it! That's called dedication! Say it with me, kids! Ded-i-what does it matter anymore, anyway, I'm a failure.
*pause*
So go cook something with cheese in it? That's a good idea!
Step 2:
Decide to make a healthy breakfast, in case vitamins can magically make your poor choices and lack of resolve into a magic band-aid for everything you're doing wrong in your life! (Spoilers they won't tell you at Whole Foods or on Rachel Ray: they can't! WOO!)
Step 3: Assemble the
Today we have: Margarine, eggs, milk, cheese, red & orange bell pepper, kale, turkey bacon, salt, pepper and onion powder. Seasoning things like a damn adult, up in here! Positivity!
Step 4: Melt your fake butter in a skillet over medium heat, and crack some eggs in a bowl! Break them! BREAK THEM, LIKE LIFE HAS BROKEN YOU.
Step 6: Rally, and try to be positive. Look at that! Milk in eggs! Good job, you! Now, beat them. BEAT THEM. But be happy about it. Try singing the eggs song!
Step 7: Stop lying to yourself, and add your seasonings because you forgot them before beating. Great job. Pour the eggs into the melted butter in your pan.
Step 9: Wash your veggies. Admire their glistening flesh. Think about how long it's been since you felt actual human contact. Realize one pepper is moldy, despite being in a new package, and consider that a metaphor for your love life. Cry as you throw the pepper away.
Step 10: Give your remaining bell pepper and a washed handful of kale a rough chop. Hear your Mother's voice in your head, "You're gonna chop those fingers right off!" Almost chop your finger off. Survive.
Step 11: Add the veggies to your cooking egg mixture, once it looks as though it's 3/4ths of the way firm. Pause to think about the cutting board, stained red and green. Think about Christmas. Stop thinking about Christmas, because the holidays can be hard for everyone. Think about the Joker. Miss Heath Ledger. Press on through the tears.
Step 13: Realize you used the wrong pan, and it's sticking. Realize that this is way too big an omelette for your poor flipping skills, and that you're making a mess of it.
Step 14: BE NICE TO YOURSELF, because ok. This isn't freaking Denny's. You've not getting paid to do this. And even Denny's says "Make Your Own Pancakes" on the sign. Really, Denny's? I have to come to you...to make my own pancakes? Great customer service! Maybe DENNY'S needs an attitude adjustment, ever think of that? You're going to cut this into pieces anyway - what's it matter if it's not perfect?
I bet it tastes great, anyway.
Even if it kills you.
Bonus content: Bacon song fail! The poor turkey bacon was forgotten until after the meal. It had seemed important at the time. But it just wasn't meant to be. It's not you, turkey bacon...it's...well. Maybe it is you, after all.
Disclaimer: Some of the negativity may have been exaggerated. The food was still pretty delicious. Also, I take no issue with Denny's...I haven't been there in ages, but I'm sure they're all very nice people. I'd love to come over and make my own pancakes at your fine establishment, any time. Maybe we could hold show #2 there! Guys? Why are you running?
What dish should the Sad Sack cooking show tackle next? Comment, and let me know!
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